I've put off writing for almost half a year now. Last blog entry was in December last year. So much has happened since then. I'm not sure if I refrained from writing because I've been busy with the little boy or because I've been afraid to talk about my feelings on the things that took place in the last few months. I read a very well-written article earlier, which sort of inspired me to go back to writing.
We lost a sister-in-law in January 2016 due to cancer. It was sad because I felt that among my sisters-in-law, she was the one I could be closest to. I don't really know how to explain that but it was something I felt when I first met her. It's just unfortunate that we never really had the chance to work on that relationship because Singapore and my little boy happened. We didn't find out sooner that her illness was in the advanced stage. When we found out, we couldn't really visit her that much because we wanted to respect her time with her family. She was in her late 50s and left behind a husband, two daughters, and a son.
Then, in October 2016, Papa, my father-in-law, was diagnosed with stage 4 colon cancer. He was 87. My in-laws have lived full lives. But it's still different when your parent is terminally ill. I can just imagine how tough it must have been for my husband. The closest thing to a death in the family that I had to deal with was Lola's passing when I was in college. I was younger then and maybe I did not fully comprehend what death and the pain and grief that come with it really mean.
The doctor told us Papa may have 3 months to 3 years to live. Papa was in and out of the hospital. It was tough because he was not a huge fan of hospitals. But he tried to give in to his kids' demands to go to the hospital whenever he felt ill.
Spiritually, I know Papa was prepared. He was a good man who spent his last years praying, reading, eating, and doing relaxing things. All of those things he did on top of managing his household - finances, helpers, etc. He was a quiet man who barely talked. I don't remember the two of us being engaged in serious conversations. Perhaps I felt shy, being a newcomer in the family. We didn't really go beyond the cursory kumustahan. But my husband told me all sorts of stories about him - how he wants everything to be orderly in the house, how he loved steak, how he always wanted to be in-charge both in big and small things such as getting village stickers for all of his kids' cars, etc. I saw glimpses of him through Mama's stories too. I knew he was a funny guy with the way he interacted with his sisters-in-law. Yes, he could be a bit intimidating, but I knew he was a good person. He was in his late 80s but he still tried his best to goof around with my little boy. They both loved exchanging high fives.
My best memory of Papa was during their 60th wedding anniversary in 2012. My parents were invited and when he talked to them he said that I was his favorite daughter-in-law. I'm sure he was kidding and was only saying that because I was his newest in-law. But I still felt elated knowing that this man recognized me and loved me in his own quiet way.
So yes, I knew Papa was prepared. But we were all scared for Mama. They have been married for 65 years. Mama must have spent the last 30 years of her life tending to Papa and his needs. Sure, she had 10 kids and 18 grandchildren but Papa was always her number one priority. We didn't know how Mama would take it. But she had to know of course. You can see sadness in her eyes. But she put up a brave front for Papa. She still took care of him the best she could.
During those turbulent months of Papa's illness, I saw a very poignant moment he shared with Mama. I know Mama's excited when her kids and grandkids visit. She makes time for them, cooks for them, etc. When we visited them once, she happily watched the little boy do his tricks. Then after lunch, she disappeared. We were about to go home so we had to look for her. We found her in Papa's room, praying over him. Mama left her special guests, never mind if she barely saw them too. All because she wanted to make time for the number one person in her life, Papa. That is the kind of relationship they have. They drop anything and everything for each other. Doesn't matter if they argue like typical old couples most of the time. They love each other and til Papa's dying days, Mama made sure she was there for him. I wish to be gifted with that kind of relationship with my husband - that we may have that undying devotion for each other.
God generously granted us time with Papa. He was able to celebrate Mama's birthday, their 65th anniversary, and his 88th birthday with us. He was weak and barely left his room but he was still very sharp. When we saw him a few days after my husband's birthday, typical stoic Papa did not greet him. But his greeting came in a different style. He asked my husband how old he was and how old the little boy was.
February 10, Friday, my sister-in-law told us Papa was very weak but refused to go to the hospital. Doctors agreed not to compel him to be admitted because the only thing they can do was to manage his pain. We were asked to visit Papa if we can. My husband initially wanted to postpone the visit to the following day. Thank God he listened to me this time.
On our way to Papa's house, my brother-in-law, who's a DJ, was on board and played a song for Papa. Now, I will always associate with Papa the song Never be the Same by Christopher Cross.
Yes, Papa looked so frail and weak. Huge drop in his weight from when we saw him about 2 weeks earlier. 9 out of 10 of his kids came. But Papa lived on. We visited him everyday thereafter, taking a break only on Monday, February 13, to attend to work and to recharge a bit.
My husband wanted to go out for lunch on February 14 because it was Valentine's Day. I told him we can go out some other time and we should visit Papa instead. Papa still looked the same to me - weak and frail. We had lunch with Mama and my in-laws. After lunch, my sister-in-law told me that Papa looked worse than he was on Friday. My husband had work to do but I told him he might need to spend time with Papa. The little boy and I went upstairs to rest. My sister-in-law followed because she had to take a bath. Mama took a bath too.
A few minutes later, Papa's caregiver called us and said Papa looked different. We all went downstairs and said our goodbyes. Mama was inconsolable. My husband, his brother, and sister who were there shed their own quiet tears as well. It was a heavy feeling. The only comforting thing about it was that Papa was no longer in pain.
Flowers were overflowing during his wake. Papa was well-loved. During his interment, it was heartbreaking to see Mama cry and weep. What made it more heartbreaking was seeing Papa's 10 children, including 8 grown men, cry openly for the loss of their father.
Mama has not been the same since then. She's lost some spark. She's not as makwento as before. But we're all trying to be there for her. And we know Papa's watching over her.
Thank you Papa for giving me my husband. Although I know he got his temper and bullheadedness from you, I also know that he aspires to have a heart as good as yours everyday of his life.
===
The pain of Papa's passing was made a bit easier and lighter by my niece's pregnancy. She was giving birth to a baby girl. I was excited because finally, the little boy will no longer be the baby in the family. I hoped the new baby will help the little boy mature a bit.
My niece got married a week before Papa passed away. He's my husband's baptismal goddaughter and she asked us to be godparents for her wedding.
She was due to give birth in May. In March, she had to be admitted to the hospital due to contractions. Good thing she didn't go into labor. She was sent home but was asked to be on bed rest. It was one of the few times that I saw my husband worried about another person. He genuinely felt relieved when he saw that our niece was her usual self in the hospital.
I was excited to mentor our niece to motherhood. I'm no expert but I was eager to share the little things I've learned along the way. I sent her my OC files from my pregnancy and was there to answer her every question - about pregnancy, childbirth, breastfeeding, and even whether the 120-day maternity leave bill will be approved in time for her birth in May.
April 19, she had to be admitted to the hospital because of low amniotic fluid. The doctor wanted to observe her and said that if the fluid level did not improve, she had to undergo a CS operation.
April 20, the baby's heartbeat was becoming erratic so she had to give birth already. The surgery went well and she gave birth to a healthy baby girl. We wanted to rush to the hospital to visit her but it was the little boy's play school day so we had to postpone the visit to the following day.
April 21, we visited our niece and apo around lunch time. The baby was so cute. I already forgot how babies can be super small. My niece was okay. She was talking to us and was offering the day-old donuts to the little boy. Before we left, a nurse already asked her to sit down in preparation for walking. She complained of pain in her ribcage, I think. But we all dismissed it as due to the surgery she underwent.
For the first time since it opened, we were finally able to go inside SM BF. It was just across the hospital so it was a perfect time for us to visit the mall. We had lunch at Dayrit's. I happily devoured my roast beef. We had grand plans of buying chorizo macau, etc. Then my husband got a call from her brother, our niece's dad. Our niece collapsed and my brother-in-law was asking my husband if he knew what our niece had for lunch. My husband had to rush to the hospital to check on our niece. My initial reaction was, maybe she was not yet up to walking so she fainted and felt a bit dizzy.
Then came my sister-in-law's message saying she was on her way to the hospital because our niece was being revived. By then I knew it was serious but I was still hoping we were all wrong. It was difficult to focus on the little boy who wanted to do so many things in the mall when I was worried about what was happening in the hospital across. I had no choice but to up a brave front for the little boy. Took him to the train, carousel, play place, grocery, bookstore, etc.
Then my husband texted me that he thinks our niece won't make it. I wanted to rush to his side because knowing how scared he is of hospitals, it must have been very tough for him to be the most mature person in that difficult situation. However, we both agreed that that won't be a good idea knowing that the little boy would be impatient. So the little boy and I waited for him at the mall.
And yes, our niece did not make it. At 22, she left behind a husband and a day-old baby girl. A baby girl whom she only had the chance to hug for a very brief moment after giving birth. A baby girl whom she was so excited to see and be roomed-in with that's why she was so excited to walk already. At 22, she had a full life ahead of her. Autopsy results showed she pulmonary embolism.
Whenever I pray to God, I always ask Him to make me and my husband healthy and safe for the sake of our child. We need to live longer because who will take care of our child if we're gone. We've been with the little boy for almost 3 years now and I know he loves us but I know the memories he has of us may not be so vivid yet and he can't remember them when he's grown up. That's why I just can't imagine how tough it must be for our apo to grow up without a mom. All she had was one day with her mother.
Papa's passing was painful, albeit expected. At least we were given a few months to prepare.
Our niece's passing broke our hearts into pieces, especially her immediate family. It must be very tough for my brother-in-law who lost his dad and daughter in a span of 2 months.
Our niece was well-loved. Testimonials and tributes from her friends have been overwhelming.
===
Three deaths in the family in 15 months. The past few months have been really trying and difficult. I can only hope and pray that they, our new angels up there, will continue to look after us, make us strong despite the challenges we have to face, and keep us healthy and safe so we can be with each other longer.
We lost a sister-in-law in January 2016 due to cancer. It was sad because I felt that among my sisters-in-law, she was the one I could be closest to. I don't really know how to explain that but it was something I felt when I first met her. It's just unfortunate that we never really had the chance to work on that relationship because Singapore and my little boy happened. We didn't find out sooner that her illness was in the advanced stage. When we found out, we couldn't really visit her that much because we wanted to respect her time with her family. She was in her late 50s and left behind a husband, two daughters, and a son.
Then, in October 2016, Papa, my father-in-law, was diagnosed with stage 4 colon cancer. He was 87. My in-laws have lived full lives. But it's still different when your parent is terminally ill. I can just imagine how tough it must have been for my husband. The closest thing to a death in the family that I had to deal with was Lola's passing when I was in college. I was younger then and maybe I did not fully comprehend what death and the pain and grief that come with it really mean.
The doctor told us Papa may have 3 months to 3 years to live. Papa was in and out of the hospital. It was tough because he was not a huge fan of hospitals. But he tried to give in to his kids' demands to go to the hospital whenever he felt ill.
Spiritually, I know Papa was prepared. He was a good man who spent his last years praying, reading, eating, and doing relaxing things. All of those things he did on top of managing his household - finances, helpers, etc. He was a quiet man who barely talked. I don't remember the two of us being engaged in serious conversations. Perhaps I felt shy, being a newcomer in the family. We didn't really go beyond the cursory kumustahan. But my husband told me all sorts of stories about him - how he wants everything to be orderly in the house, how he loved steak, how he always wanted to be in-charge both in big and small things such as getting village stickers for all of his kids' cars, etc. I saw glimpses of him through Mama's stories too. I knew he was a funny guy with the way he interacted with his sisters-in-law. Yes, he could be a bit intimidating, but I knew he was a good person. He was in his late 80s but he still tried his best to goof around with my little boy. They both loved exchanging high fives.
My best memory of Papa was during their 60th wedding anniversary in 2012. My parents were invited and when he talked to them he said that I was his favorite daughter-in-law. I'm sure he was kidding and was only saying that because I was his newest in-law. But I still felt elated knowing that this man recognized me and loved me in his own quiet way.
So yes, I knew Papa was prepared. But we were all scared for Mama. They have been married for 65 years. Mama must have spent the last 30 years of her life tending to Papa and his needs. Sure, she had 10 kids and 18 grandchildren but Papa was always her number one priority. We didn't know how Mama would take it. But she had to know of course. You can see sadness in her eyes. But she put up a brave front for Papa. She still took care of him the best she could.
During those turbulent months of Papa's illness, I saw a very poignant moment he shared with Mama. I know Mama's excited when her kids and grandkids visit. She makes time for them, cooks for them, etc. When we visited them once, she happily watched the little boy do his tricks. Then after lunch, she disappeared. We were about to go home so we had to look for her. We found her in Papa's room, praying over him. Mama left her special guests, never mind if she barely saw them too. All because she wanted to make time for the number one person in her life, Papa. That is the kind of relationship they have. They drop anything and everything for each other. Doesn't matter if they argue like typical old couples most of the time. They love each other and til Papa's dying days, Mama made sure she was there for him. I wish to be gifted with that kind of relationship with my husband - that we may have that undying devotion for each other.
God generously granted us time with Papa. He was able to celebrate Mama's birthday, their 65th anniversary, and his 88th birthday with us. He was weak and barely left his room but he was still very sharp. When we saw him a few days after my husband's birthday, typical stoic Papa did not greet him. But his greeting came in a different style. He asked my husband how old he was and how old the little boy was.
February 10, Friday, my sister-in-law told us Papa was very weak but refused to go to the hospital. Doctors agreed not to compel him to be admitted because the only thing they can do was to manage his pain. We were asked to visit Papa if we can. My husband initially wanted to postpone the visit to the following day. Thank God he listened to me this time.
On our way to Papa's house, my brother-in-law, who's a DJ, was on board and played a song for Papa. Now, I will always associate with Papa the song Never be the Same by Christopher Cross.
Yes, Papa looked so frail and weak. Huge drop in his weight from when we saw him about 2 weeks earlier. 9 out of 10 of his kids came. But Papa lived on. We visited him everyday thereafter, taking a break only on Monday, February 13, to attend to work and to recharge a bit.
My husband wanted to go out for lunch on February 14 because it was Valentine's Day. I told him we can go out some other time and we should visit Papa instead. Papa still looked the same to me - weak and frail. We had lunch with Mama and my in-laws. After lunch, my sister-in-law told me that Papa looked worse than he was on Friday. My husband had work to do but I told him he might need to spend time with Papa. The little boy and I went upstairs to rest. My sister-in-law followed because she had to take a bath. Mama took a bath too.
A few minutes later, Papa's caregiver called us and said Papa looked different. We all went downstairs and said our goodbyes. Mama was inconsolable. My husband, his brother, and sister who were there shed their own quiet tears as well. It was a heavy feeling. The only comforting thing about it was that Papa was no longer in pain.
Flowers were overflowing during his wake. Papa was well-loved. During his interment, it was heartbreaking to see Mama cry and weep. What made it more heartbreaking was seeing Papa's 10 children, including 8 grown men, cry openly for the loss of their father.
Mama has not been the same since then. She's lost some spark. She's not as makwento as before. But we're all trying to be there for her. And we know Papa's watching over her.
Thank you Papa for giving me my husband. Although I know he got his temper and bullheadedness from you, I also know that he aspires to have a heart as good as yours everyday of his life.
===
The pain of Papa's passing was made a bit easier and lighter by my niece's pregnancy. She was giving birth to a baby girl. I was excited because finally, the little boy will no longer be the baby in the family. I hoped the new baby will help the little boy mature a bit.
My niece got married a week before Papa passed away. He's my husband's baptismal goddaughter and she asked us to be godparents for her wedding.
She was due to give birth in May. In March, she had to be admitted to the hospital due to contractions. Good thing she didn't go into labor. She was sent home but was asked to be on bed rest. It was one of the few times that I saw my husband worried about another person. He genuinely felt relieved when he saw that our niece was her usual self in the hospital.
I was excited to mentor our niece to motherhood. I'm no expert but I was eager to share the little things I've learned along the way. I sent her my OC files from my pregnancy and was there to answer her every question - about pregnancy, childbirth, breastfeeding, and even whether the 120-day maternity leave bill will be approved in time for her birth in May.
April 19, she had to be admitted to the hospital because of low amniotic fluid. The doctor wanted to observe her and said that if the fluid level did not improve, she had to undergo a CS operation.
April 20, the baby's heartbeat was becoming erratic so she had to give birth already. The surgery went well and she gave birth to a healthy baby girl. We wanted to rush to the hospital to visit her but it was the little boy's play school day so we had to postpone the visit to the following day.
April 21, we visited our niece and apo around lunch time. The baby was so cute. I already forgot how babies can be super small. My niece was okay. She was talking to us and was offering the day-old donuts to the little boy. Before we left, a nurse already asked her to sit down in preparation for walking. She complained of pain in her ribcage, I think. But we all dismissed it as due to the surgery she underwent.
For the first time since it opened, we were finally able to go inside SM BF. It was just across the hospital so it was a perfect time for us to visit the mall. We had lunch at Dayrit's. I happily devoured my roast beef. We had grand plans of buying chorizo macau, etc. Then my husband got a call from her brother, our niece's dad. Our niece collapsed and my brother-in-law was asking my husband if he knew what our niece had for lunch. My husband had to rush to the hospital to check on our niece. My initial reaction was, maybe she was not yet up to walking so she fainted and felt a bit dizzy.
Then came my sister-in-law's message saying she was on her way to the hospital because our niece was being revived. By then I knew it was serious but I was still hoping we were all wrong. It was difficult to focus on the little boy who wanted to do so many things in the mall when I was worried about what was happening in the hospital across. I had no choice but to up a brave front for the little boy. Took him to the train, carousel, play place, grocery, bookstore, etc.
Then my husband texted me that he thinks our niece won't make it. I wanted to rush to his side because knowing how scared he is of hospitals, it must have been very tough for him to be the most mature person in that difficult situation. However, we both agreed that that won't be a good idea knowing that the little boy would be impatient. So the little boy and I waited for him at the mall.
And yes, our niece did not make it. At 22, she left behind a husband and a day-old baby girl. A baby girl whom she only had the chance to hug for a very brief moment after giving birth. A baby girl whom she was so excited to see and be roomed-in with that's why she was so excited to walk already. At 22, she had a full life ahead of her. Autopsy results showed she pulmonary embolism.
Whenever I pray to God, I always ask Him to make me and my husband healthy and safe for the sake of our child. We need to live longer because who will take care of our child if we're gone. We've been with the little boy for almost 3 years now and I know he loves us but I know the memories he has of us may not be so vivid yet and he can't remember them when he's grown up. That's why I just can't imagine how tough it must be for our apo to grow up without a mom. All she had was one day with her mother.
Papa's passing was painful, albeit expected. At least we were given a few months to prepare.
Our niece's passing broke our hearts into pieces, especially her immediate family. It must be very tough for my brother-in-law who lost his dad and daughter in a span of 2 months.
Our niece was well-loved. Testimonials and tributes from her friends have been overwhelming.
===
Three deaths in the family in 15 months. The past few months have been really trying and difficult. I can only hope and pray that they, our new angels up there, will continue to look after us, make us strong despite the challenges we have to face, and keep us healthy and safe so we can be with each other longer.
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